Tree Porn

High in the mountains of northwest Colorado, grows a unique strand of tree. I suppose the tree is in the Aspen Family, yet it produces strange and somewhat seductive patterns in it's bark. I first encountered this odd form of flora when I was just a novice elk hunter on a pre-season scouting trip with Dad.

It was the day before the start of rifle season and Dad and I were on horseback checking for elk sign. That particular morning, we were heading to the head of Roaring Fork Creek, to survey the area around Mount Olyphant and Buck Point-two places that have been heavy used by large elk herds on past hunts.

About an hour into our ride, we topped a steep ridge and paused to give the horse a quick breather. We were in a beautiful little aspen grove, with millions of tiny, translucent, golden leaves quaking against a clear blue sky. In the distance the the snow capped mountains glinted in the sunshine. I sat in the saddle, inhaled the clean, alpine air into my lungs and thought to myself, "This is surely what Heaven will look like when I get there one day."

I gazed about taking in my surroundings-the vibrant blue autumn sky, eagles gliding on the thermals, the majestic mountains, the warm sunshine on my face, a naked, spread-eagle woman reveling her crotch.

Wait...What? I did a double-take and sure enough, there carved in explicit detail, into the white, alabaster trunk of an aspen tree, was the figure of a naked woman. And she wasn't just naked, she was contorted into the kind of erotic pose usually reserved for magazines published by Larry Flint. Dad must have noticed that my jaw had dropped nearly to the saddle horn.

"Sheepherders," he said with a laugh. "I recon they get pretty lonely up here in the summer."

Lonely. That was an understatement. Whoever carved this was a just a flat out pervert.

I soon noticed that the X-rated carving wasn't just limited to one particular tree. In fact nearly every aspen in our immediate vicinity were engraved with smut. Dozens of trees featured lurid, sexual poses that would make Hugh Hefner blush-all carved in explicit detail with the talent of Michelangelo.

Dad went on to explain that the wealthy ranchers down in Craig and surrounding towns, head down to South America and recruit native sheepherders to come up in these mountains every spring and summer to tend their flocks. These guys are usually completely alone for months at a time watching over the ranchers investment of livestock. Typically there only companion during that time is dog of some sort, that's used to round up sheep and keep away bears and coyotes. Of course, they probably run across the occasional hiker or mountain biker, but for the most part they have no contact with other human beings, just their trusty dog and several head of sheep.

Now I could make a tone of juvenile "sheep/sex" jokes here, but I'm going to take the high road here and not go there. But in my opinion, it's no surprise that the cowboys in Brokeback Mountain where working as sheepherders when they had there gay love affair. Just saying.

Anyway, I suppose I feel sorry for these guys-cut off from their wives or girlfriends for six months out of the year, but come on, that's no reason to treat the forest like some bathroom stall in a St. Louis truck stop.

I seriously feel that the state of Colorado should at least put up some road side warning signs at the entrance to the national Park. WARNING: SEXUALLY GRAPHIC TREES AHEAD. CHILDREN UNDER 17 SHOULD BE ACCOMPANIED BY AN ADULT. I can only imagine what the local boyscout troop must have thought as they hiked along this trail.

"Congratulations little Johnny. This past weekend you earned merit badges in fire-starting, knot-tying, and Karma Sutra."

But, I suppose the more I think about it, maybe the handiwork of these perverted Peruvian shepherds can one day be of some use. When time comes for me to give the dreaded "Birds and The Bees," talk to my son Ridge, he'll be about ready for his first elk hunt. I suppose I could kill two birds with one stone.