The Darwin Awards

Every year the Darwin Awards are handed out to certain individuals who have followed Charles Darwin’s theory of “nature will weed out the weakest and dumbest.” In other words they’re awards given posthumously to all the idiots out there who have killed themselves doing really stupid things, usually right after uttering the words “Hey, y’all watch this.”

Past winners have included a parachutist who jumped out of a plane at 20,00o feet but somehow forgot to strap on a parachute, an avid jogger who was so “in the zone” he accidentally jogged off a 200 foot cliff, and a karate student who thought he could fight a full grown male lion at a local zoo-his remains, which included just an arm and a leg, were found the following day by zoo keepers. But my all-time favorite Darwin Award winner is the guy who decided it would be a good idea to snack on a dynamite blasting cap. Here’s the actual story:

A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, State Police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "'I'll show you how to set it off."

Obviously these are not the best and brightest examples of the human race and its probably just as well that these individuals have been eliminated from our gene pool.

Now personally, I've never known any Darwin Award winners, (thank goodness) but I have met several people in my lifetime who will probably be nominated at some point in their lives. The following story, which was told to me by my father, is about two such individuals. It took place several years ago in elk camp in Colorado.

Two old boys by the name of Gerald and Carl were out elk hunting one day, when they came across a large hole in the ground.

“Hey Gerald, what do you recon is down in that hole?” asked Carl.

“Don’t know,” replied Gerald, “but I’m pretty sure it ain’t no elk.”

“Well, there’s plenty of elk to go around,” said Carl, “But it ain’t every day a feller comes across a big ‘ol hole in the ground like this. There might be Injun gold down in there.”

“Injun gold?”

“Why sure, them Injuns had lots of gold. Why do you recon Cortez and all them Spanish fellers came over here in the first place?” said Carl. “Now when I lay down, you grab me by my ankles and lower me down in that hole.”

Gerald highly doubted there was any Injun gold down in that hole, all he wanted to do that day was to shoot a nice 5x5 bull, but he did as he was instructed and lowered Carl slowly down in to the dark hole.

“What do you see Carl?” Gerald asked.

“Can’t see much,” Carl hollered from inside the hole. “Smells real bad down here too. Hold on, let me turn on my flashlight.”

Several seconds later, Carl began kicking, thrashing and squalling like a banshee.

“FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! PULL ME UP, GERALD! PULL ME UP!”

It turned out, that when Carl flicked on his light, he found himself nose to nose with a large hibernating black bear sow. Now fortunately for these two intellectual brainiacs, they were able to escape without waking up the sleeping bear. And thankfully that year’s Darwin Award List didn't include the caption: “North Carolina man’s head bitten off by startled hibernating bear.”